Bolero (1984)

Sometimes when I finish a film, usually one I hate, I ask myself, "What was the point of that movie?" Bolero is one of those films, and, yes, I hated it. Released in 1984, this Worst Picture-winning film was directed by famed actor John Derek and starred his wife, Bo Derek, along with George Kennedy and Olivia d'Abo. I know John Derek had an illustrious career as an actor, being in some great films such as The Ten Commandments (1956) and All The King's Men (1949), but I have no problem criticizing his directing because A) It sucks, and B) He sucks, as a person. John married Bo in 1976, but they had been together since 1973, when John was 47, at the time he was still married to Linda Evans of Dynasty fame. Bo was also only 16... the two left the United States that year to avoid statutory rape charges... I think you can now understand why he sucks.

Anyway, back to talking about the film. Bolero was the couple's third film together, after Tarzan the Ape Man (1981) and Fantasies (made in 1973, but not released until 1981). Although I have not seen Fantasies (nor do I have any plans to), they both sucked and were trashed by critics. Bolero tells the story of Ayre "Mac" MacGillvary (Bo Derek), a recent college graduate who embarks on a world journey to... lose her virginity...pretty similar to the plot of Tarzan the Ape Man. Apparently, John loves seeing his wife as a virgin. Fucking creep. Anyway, Mac is joined by her loyal chauffeur, Cotton (Kennedy), and her best friend, Catalina (Ana Obregon). What happens next is a TON of scenes where you see Mac naked. Bo Derek is a beautiful woman and I honestly am not complaining when I see her naked, but if I just wanted to see a bunch of women naked, I would just go watch porn. Can we have a plot, please? Oh and you see more nudity, most notably from Paloma, Olivia d'Abo's character. Might I mention that Olivia d'Abo was only 14 at the time?! I can't describe how disgusting it is for John Derek to have underage nudity in his film. Also, she's nude for no reason. No artistic reasons, not nude to send a message, just nude... It's a shame that John Derek was never locked up.

Another issue with this film is that Mac isn't saving her virginity for marriage, she isn't overly religious, she is a virgin because she... can't find the right one? I hate to bring looks into this, but if the main character was average looking or ugly, I could possibly buy that. But it's freaking Bo Derek in the role. This movie is expecting me to buy that BO DEREK, of all people, can't get laid? Was this film just trying to be bad? I know I haven't been talking about the plot too much, but that's because there isn't one. Oh and spoilers ahead, the movie doesn't end with Mac losing her virginity. It keeps going after that, sadly. Then there's another plot that seems like it was taken straight from a porno where the guy Mac loses her virginity to, Angel (Andrea Occhipinti), gets gored by a bull and can't have sex, so Mac tries to help him recover so they can have sex. Yeah, you read that right. Then he can! No reason given whatsoever, he just magically can, and they end up having sex again!

In case you couldn't tell, I hated this film. It was boring, bland, stupid, and overall bad. The characters aren't interesting at all, Bo Derek is a shitty actress, along with everyone else, except for George Kennedy. It took me days to finish this piece of crap because I got sick of watching it after only brief periods of time. I've said just about all I can say about this dung heap. The only thing left to do is rate it. I rate it ATROCIOUS on the scale.